2005: 10 DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENTS

Here are 10 things that 2005 should NOT be remembered for.

1. WATCHING MOVIES AT HOME: No other event dominated entertainment news in 2005 as much as the alarming drop in theatre attendance. As a hoped for resurgence never came, more fingers pointed blame in more directions. (You’ve already heard my theory.) With the time between theatrical and DVD release shortening (and in some cases disappearing) this hot topic remains unresolved.
2. HORROR FILMS AND THE RATINGS BOARD: It seems like every horror film was cut from an R to get a friendlier PG-13 or censored to get an R. With the inevitable Unrated DVD, it’s a wonder we go to the theatre for these films at all. (It kept me from watching a watered down version of LAND OF THE DEAD on the big screen.)

3. STUPID SPOILED CELEBRITY WHORES: There was a time when concern was raised over girls trying to live up to a Barbie doll image. Now Paris, Lindsay, Tara and Jessica are being served up as role models. “South Park” made fun of this in one of their best episodes, but the jokes are now a frightening reality.

4. CELEBRITY COUPLE MASHUPS: When Ben Affleck dated Jen Lopez, it was fun to refer to them as “Benifer”. This year Bradiston split up and formed Bradgelina and Vaughniston. We even had Benifer 2 (a.k.a. Garleck), and a once cute nickname quickly became a tired catchphrase. Which leads me to…
5. TOM KAT: Tom Cruise stole Katie Holmes’ heart…and later her diaphragm, religious convictions, individuality, charm and soul. Of all the celebrity couples, none was as consistently odd or uninteresting as this one. From now on, I’ll stick to the movies and stop following Hollywood stars who became real life punchlines.

6. CHARLIZE THERON: With MONSTER, Charlize proved that she can be an extraordinary actor, but she’s not a movie star who can draw an audience. That was proved 3 times this year in drama (NORTH COUNTRY), action (AEON FLUX) and comedy (a guest stint on “Arrested Development.”)











7. ORLANDO BLOOM: The male Charlize Theron. 2 starring roles with great and successful directors (KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ELIZABETHTOWN). Two gigantic misses. Unlike Charlize, you can point fingers everywhere else, but the work showed that Bloom is not ready to carry a movie yet. No wonder they downplayed his part in the trailer for the PIRATES sequel.

8. MICHAEL BAY: On BAD BOYS 2, Bay yelled at Martin Lawrence, “Just do what I say. I’m raising your asking price.” With THE ISLAND, the wildly successful Bay tripped over his ego creating the year’s loudest failure. He blames casting, marketing and everything else that (as a high-profile director) he has approval over.

9. WILL FERRELL: After the success of ELF and ANCHORMAN, Ferrell had a very awkward year with 5 big releases. MELINDA & MELINDA and THE PRODUCERS can be written off as an actor trying to stretch, and his cameo in WEDDING CRASHERS was funny, but didn't know to quit. BEWITCHED and KICKING & SCREAMING both laid too much responsibility on his still developing comedy shoulders. Somebody teach this guy to say “no.”

10. FANTASTIC FOUR: My favorite comic growing up became a film that was closer in spirit to SPY KIDS than X-MEN. The script seemed cobbled together by grade school children with adults behaving like teenagers and stupid comedy from a director who was clearly out of his element. There were worse comic book movies this year, but none that angered me more.